There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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