mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
