i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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