I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
should my penis look like a turkey
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
