I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
i came on her dog
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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