3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Randomize
