You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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