You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Are my feet made of real feet?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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