I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Randomize