I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
