I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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