I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
