i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I puked a lego.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Randomize
