Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
