first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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