My liver just broke up with me...
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
