naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
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