Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
there is glitter all over my balls
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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