My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
