Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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