My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
