You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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