I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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