hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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