Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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