I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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