i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Randomize
