what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize