It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
