The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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