Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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