Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
