I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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