she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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