Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
She needs sedatives and a leash
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
