He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
