I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
