too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
i now understand why vodka
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
