He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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