i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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