good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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