ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
