This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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