I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
