I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Randomize
