You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
