I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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