Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
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