I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
