I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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