I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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