Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Randomize
