I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Two words: nipple clamps
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