The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
