Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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