Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
