well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
