life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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