somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
