chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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