im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
