Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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