i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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