I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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