I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
