The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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