You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
