im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
sarcasm needs its own font
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
